Your Thoughts Matter!

Look, I know there is science behind what I am about to say, but I am not about to pretend that I know the statistics of it all. I am also not going to pretend to fully understand how our brains work. The teacher in me wishes I could spout those facts for you, but the tired mom in me just doesn't have the energy to study it all right now. (If you know it, please feel free to share.)

What I do know with my whole being, is that our thought life matters. I am about to be extremely open and vulnerable with you all. I am doing so because I think this message is important, but please know that it isn't an easy one for me to share.

When I was 19, I was engaged to a young man who would often say some not so nice things to me. He would tell me that I was fat & ugly, I didn't have any common sense, and nobody else would want me. There were other things, but those are the big ones that I have carried with me over the next 30 years.

Let me introduce you to 19-year-old Dawn...

Okay, I didn't always have my hair done like this, but it was the 90's folks. Anyway, while it isn't a full-body shot, I think you can tell by the face and collarbone that I wasn't exactly fat. I also look at this picture and don't think that young lady is ugly. She isn't model material, or what anyone would call beautiful, but ugly seems very harsh. As for common sense, clearly he was right that I was lacking some, because I stayed with him far longer than I should have. However, I did eventually develop some. 😉

I am not kidding when I say that I have repeated those things to myself often throughout my life. If my mental health isn't in a great place, I will hear his words cycle through my brain on a loop. After Jeff's death, I started to think that maybe he chose to leave me because I am fat, ugly, and have no common sense. Clearly, my ex was right that no man would want me because Jeff, the man I love dearly, left me.

But that isn't right. My husband always made me feel beautiful and wanted, and he never EVER complained about my weight or my looks. He also never made me feel like I wasn't smart or that I didn't have common sense. After his death, I learned about some financial problems that he was facing, ones that I had indirectly asked him about, and he made sure to leave me thinking they weren't a big problem. My heart tells me that his death was a result of those issues and not because of me.

My brain has wanted to punish myself with those hurtful words from my ex-fiancé for far too long, and I have learned two important things from this. Two things that I want to share with all of you.

1. Who we allow to pour into us matters. Choose the people that you connect with wisely.

Let me tell you, you absolutely can't let people remain close to you who are trying to hurt you emotionally, physically, or verbally. I know that sometimes these people are your family. I realize that it can be hard to sever ties, but you have to protect yourself.

Know firmly what is okay and what absolutely is not okay. If you would tell a friend to not accept that behavior, don't you accept it. Set personal boundaries with people on what you will and won't accept. Share those boundaries with the person, so that they know where you draw the line. Hear me loud and clear on this. If they step over that line, calmly, with very little emotion, express that they overstepped, and remove yourself from the situation quickly.

The next time you come together, if they overstep again, calmly remove yourself again. If they continue to overstep the line you have drawn, it is time to consider putting an end to the relationship. I know this gets tricky when it is a family member. For example, say it is your sister, you can't exactly un-sister her. Nope, she will always be your sister. However, that doesn't mean that you have to be around her. Limit contact as much as possible. When and if you would have to be around her, keep those boundaries firm and allow plenty of space between the two of you. Think about bringing a buffer with you. A buffer is someone who can help you keep your distance.

Looking back, I should have broken it off with my ex-fiancé around the one year mark. It was around this time that I learned he was unfaithful. Instead, I got engaged to the man and stuck it out for 2.5 more years. That just gave him a lot more time to be unfaithful, as well as way too many opportunities to spew his verbal garbage at me.

Don't be like me. Shut it down quicker! You deserve better. Hell, I know I deserved better. I am all about kindness, but kindness doesn't mean you allow other people to treat you poorly. You have to be kind to yourself too.

2. Our thoughts matter. If you have negative thoughts circling in your brain, choose better.

Once you break the cycle, sadly, the trauma carries forward. Now, it is on you to do better and choose better. I let his abuse go on for far longer than 3.5 years because I continued to allow his untruths to run through my mind. Again, you have to be kind to yourself, and I haven't been the best at this.

I am being vulnerable in hopes that you will learn from me. If you are allowing thoughts like this to continually circle, whether your own or residue from another person, seek some counseling. Sometimes seeing a therapist gets a bad rap, but I am a firm believer that a good therapist, should be in everyone's tool box. Find one you trust and connect with. Sometimes this takes time, but don't give up. Have this person on speed dial so that you can see them when you need them most.

Also, find positive people who will speak kind truths into your heart, mind and soul. I have a couple of family members and friends who help build me up in the most wonderful ways. They are my biggest cheerleaders and supporters, and I trust them dearly. I know that they will tell me the truth amidst hard moments, but they will do it in a loving way. I also know that when I am struggling, they will recognize this in me, and they will lift me up. When you find those people, hold them tightly, and do not let go!

Mindfulness and meditation are other ways to help clear out negative thoughts. I still hear those nasty thoughts in my head from time to time, but now, I stop myself. I acknowledge where those thoughts came from, and I challenge them. Heck, I am a much fluffier woman now. I mean, I am 50-years-old, and I have had three children. I have also gone through some major life trauma. However, I don't let his words that I am fat and ugly trip me up. Why? Because age has taught me that beauty is far more than looks. I might be overweight, but I can change that. My heart, however, is beautiful! I have a shirt that says 'You are only as pretty as you treat people.' Well, I do my best to treat people kindly, and that makes me pretty. 😉

Practicing gratitude also helps me to remain more positive and happy, which keeps negative thoughts at bay. The more I focus on positive things, rather than negative ones, the happier I am overall. This is a good thing! Honestly, a lot of the things that I talked about in my happiness series can help you keep these thoughts in check.

If I am honest, this post was absolutely going to be about how our thought life matters, but it was not going to be about how we have to be careful how we let people speak to us and treat us. I sat down to write, and it just poured out of me, and I think that is because I have learned the importance of this over the years. My guess is so many of us need to be better about being kind to ourselves and setting firm boundaries that ensure others must also treat us kindly. My hope is that my life lessons can encourage and help someone. If I could go back in time, I would encourage 19-year-old me to read my words, and I hope she would do better. Because when you know better, you need to do better.

#thoughtsmatter #setpersonalboundaries #kindness #bekindtoyourselftoo