Life is hard. This is why I spread kindness.

I thought I should touch a little bit on my why for starting A Joyful Haven and where the name came from. Maybe that will help people appreciate and understand my mission better.

Growing up, we moved around a lot. We moved in the 4th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 10th grades. I completely understand why our family made these moves, but as a young girl, they left me feeling a little unsure of myself. It’s hard being the new girl.

I often say that around 12-years-old was when I started struggling with depression, but to be fair, I don’t know why it is this age specifically that comes to mind. I can, however, specifically pinpoint a time in 8th grade, so I would have been 13-years-old at that time.

We were asked to write a poem. Mine went something like this…

Look at me, what do you see?

A girl with no alacrity.

I was put on this Earth

And ever since birth

I was ______ and forgotten.

Can’t remember what went in that one space, nor can I remember the rest, but overall, it was a depressing poem. It got me sent to the school counselor so she could talk with me and make sure I was okay. Quickly assured her that I was okay, but I’m not sure that was 100% accurate. I was a teen struggling to feel like she fit in, and it was my first time trying to fend off feelings that the world would be a better place without me.

After that, I struggled off and on for years with depression. After my second child, Joshua, was born in 2004, I had post-partum. I remember a day where I specifically did not want to hold him or feed him, and by gosh, he was the cutest darn thing. I put him in his room, walked away, and thought that something wasn’t right. I immediately called my doctor, and they were able to see me that day. I have always been very in tune with my feelings which is good, but sadly, this doesn’t mean that I have always been able to regulate them.

This began my years of being on meds and off meds for my anxiety and depression. It was like a roller coaster. If I was feeling better, I would stop taking them without a doctor’s help. Then I would start to feel horrible again, and after a bit, I would acknowledge that I needed the meds again.

My last time going on them was the summer of 2018. I remember saying to my husband, Jeff, that I just felt like he and the kids would be better off without me. I so badly wanted to drive my car into a tree at a recklessly insane speed. As I was saying it all out loud, my husband was just looking at me like he didn’t know what to say. Honestly, I don’t blame him. I said that I think I need to go back on medicine, and he finally spoke up and said yes because he and the kids would not be better off without me.

That was in early August 2018. Just 4 month later my husband died by an apparent suicide. Now, I always preface that while his death was ruled a suicide, and while after the fact some of that makes sense, I am not completely sure of what happened on that December morning. I will not know until I get to Heaven and see his face again. So, I move forward. Gone is gone, and it sucks!

For the first few months, I could barely sleep. I was worried that whoever did this to him, since I was convinced it wasn’t suicide, would come after the kids or I. While my kids slept, I would pace the house. Plus, I just couldn’t turn off my brain. Sure, I slept some, but it wasn’t good sleep. I was a mess!

How was I supposed to move forward without the person who made me feel loved, safe, wanted? How was I supposed to help our kids work through their grief when I was also a mess? My husband was the financial provider for our family. I worked as a part-time secretary for my kids’ school district. How was I supposed to provide for us? All of these questions that I had to figure out...on my own.

So, I started going to counseling. I started figuring out how to process my grief, but if you have been through grief you know that doesn’t go in a nice, smooth line. I was determined to figure out how to deal with this for our kids’ sake. My mom and several of my friends stepped up and helped us out a ton. They gave us emotional, physical, and even a little financial support. God bless them!

Now, this wasn’t my first encounter with grief. I had lost three grandparents, a cousin, an aunt, and my father. I remember having to make the decision to turn off life support for my dad. My mom didn’t even go to that meeting with the doctor because she already knew what they were going to say. That was an extremely tough time for us. Sadly, I knew we made the right decision when my dad passed away within 30 minutes of turning off the machines. I miss that man!

But yeah, not at all new to death. Yet, Jeffrey’s death caused me so much stress, pain, anxiety and heartache that my heart literally started beating differently. I was diagnosed with preventricular contractions (PVCs). I had to start seeing a cardiologist and take medicine for a bit until I could get things under control.

I share all of this to say that I am not a stranger to hardships. I also recognize that I am not special or unique. I’m not the only person out there facing these types of situations. Life is unpredictable. It is great one minute, and crashing down around us the next. Like grief, life ebbs and flows. It is up and then down.

Many of us have encountered or struggled with some of these things as we’ve gone through life:

Death of a loved one
Loss of a job/Career Issues
Financial struggles
Health problems: physical or mental
Addictions–Alcohol, Drugs, Gambling, Shopping, Sex, etc.
Relationship stress
Unfair treatment–possibly due to race, age, gender, sexual orientation, looks, etc
Unhappiness over past choices or failures (perceived or realized)

I’ve highlighted the ones I have faced, and again, I recognize that I am not unique. I also know that this is not an exhaustive list. There is more out there that we each battle.

Because of this, I feel like we should flood the world with kindness. Life is hard, and I just want others to know that they can keep moving forward. We should also let people know that if they are going through something difficult, they can come talk to us…no judgment. We should also happily celebrate with people when they have something wonderful going on in their lives.

Even before Jeff passed, the word joy was one of my guiding words. I wanted to be a joyful person. I wanted to spread joy to others. After Jeff passed, I started blogging and created a group called Walking Through the Valley which I eventually changed to Finding Joy in the Journey. This was to help me connect with friends and family, and to help them better understand what I was going through. It was also therapeutic for me to write.

Writing has always been something that I enjoy. Oddly enough, it is the subject that I least like teaching. Oh, I don’t mind teaching grammar, sentence structure, or all that other stuff that goes along with writing, but teaching how to actually put paragraphs down on paper isn’t my thing. Anyway, that isn’t the point. My point is that writing brings me joy, so I decided to start up another blog, and along with that I started a Facebook and Instagram page under the blog’s name.

That name is A Joyful Haven, and I chose it for a special reason. My maiden name is Havens. As a widow, I still am, and completely feel like, a Cole. Jeffrey gave me his name, and I am honored to be a Cole. Am I a Cole by blood? No, but isn’t that the case for many family members? We can’t all be born into our names because that would be incestual. 😂 I have created three children who are Cole’s by blood. Love them! As much as I am a Cole, I am also a Havens.

Do you know the definition of the word haven? Merriam-Webster defines it as

Harbor, Port
Place of safety: refuge
A place offering favorable opportunities or conditions

I want this blog and my social media pages to be just that…a joyful place of safety.

So, A Joyful Haven was born because I recognize that so many of us are going through tough times. My hope is to grow this page so that I can reach and share joy, hope and kindness with many people. However, if I can reach and truly impact just one person, that will be a blessing. I encourage each of you to interact with me and with each other within the page. I also encourage you to reach out to me via messenger if you need someone to talk to. I am here to listen and offer kindness.

That is my why!